On Fatherhood

Being a father is more than providing genes to foster offspring. Children depend heavily on the interactions with their adult caretakers during their formative years. Even when a child reaches "adulthood" after 18 years, they are still far from being set in their identity. I am not a father, and I plan not to be for a good many years, but I think it is essential for every man to decide what he thinks a father should be. In my opinion, every father has the responsibility to be a positive role model for their children, teach his children everything he knows, and act as a protector for his family in every case within his power.

For most children, their father will be their most prominent adult male figure. In everything from cleaning up toys to coaching athletics and changing to diapers to giving firm handshakes at graduation, dads are in every part of our lives growing up. I was fortunate enough to have a father who made it a point to talk with me every day while I lived at home. Most of what I know about being a man (among a myriad of other things) I learned from him. Hopefully, this was the case with your dad as well. If it is, I commend him for providing the guiding light his child needs. With all of this interaction, kids are bound to learn a great deal from their fathers regardless of whether or not he wants to teach or they want to learn. It should then behoove him to be on his best behavior because he ought to know that his children will scrutinize his every word and every action. He ought to define what kind of man he wants to be (as I am trying to do here) and live to that definition every day because that is what kind of man his son will be or what kind of woman his daughter will be (or vice versa; gender is a choice). It makes me horribly frustrated to hear of fathers who spend their paycheck on alcohol and only return home to abuse their unruly children. I suppose he has never asked himself why his children are so poorly behaved since he, himself, cannot behave. I will not tell men how they should conduct themselves, but I would encourage them to take the time to think about who they want to be. If they are only considering this after having children, they have probably missed many opportunities to be who they want to. Although, I do not look favorably upon parents who psychotically live vicariously through their children's athletic and musical careers, if he cares for his children at all, he will probably want them to grow up to assume some of the traits he admires. In order for him to have the best chance as encouraging this, he should be his children's most prominent male figure.

Most of being a father is just showing up, but I think he should also actively educate his children in everything he knows. To withhold information from a child is to handicap them. A wise man once told me that knowledge is power (a very wise man also coined the term; and it is also in the seal of my alma mater: "ex scientia tridens"). Armed with knowledge, a person can do anything. Children's brains are like sponges: they want to soak up every bit of information they find. Possibly the most defining quality of humanity is our ability to pass on what we have learned. The best knowledge is gained through experience, but that takes a great deal of time. If a person is to surpass his predecessors, he must be able to use their knowledge earlier in his life, so that he may advance his knowledge and set the arena for even greater gains. I want my children to succeed in whatever it is that drives them. Gaining knowledge only opens doors and provides them with more tools that they can use to achieve their goals.

I tend to be very progressive in my opinions on society, but the classical understanding of the male as protector in the family is more than just tradition, it is genetics. Throughout the animal kingdom, the male most often is the physically stronger of the sexes, and takes the responsibility of protecting his community. To me, there is no nobler cause for a man to do anything than the defense of a his family. Children deserve to live without fear. There will be plenty of time for that later. A father should stand behind his promise to his dying breath that he will place himself before any danger for the sake of his family. As the smallest community unit, the family often assumes a male figurehead for leadership. As a figurehead, he has responsibility to protect this small community (see On Government). Whether it be providing food (not saying that women can't be breadwinners, but he should be integral in coordinating who puts food on the table) or defending the home from an intruder, a father ensures happiness and a sense of security by showing that he is dedicated to his family's safety. Given that, there is no excuse for a father who would to any harm to any member of his family for any reason. All men should take lessons from Liam Neeson: if you touch my daughter, I will find you, and I will kill you.

I do not intend this to be a blueprint for fatherhood, but I do intend to stand upon these values when we finally decide to have children. Part of me fears having kids, not because I will not know what to do (that's a given), but because I know that my mistakes when I fail to be the person I want to be no longer only affect me: it will have a negative impact on my child who has an entire lifetime of potential waiting to be unleashed, but still so fragile.